Update on El-Esposito.

This is my husband. His name is Tim... quite a wonderful guy I think.

We have been blessed with 2 years, 3 months, 29 days, and a few hours of marriage.

Isn't that crazy? My how time flies!

For about the last year we have been actively (I have been downright belligerent) seeking a solution to what we were pretty sure was a major issue in Tim's moods...

Most of you out there who know Tim know him as a "gentle giant" of sorts... known for his heart of service, the quiet way he will help anybody and everybody, his willingness to listen and be a shoulder to cry on, someone who offers his wisdom in small doses that often go unseen, a man that is one of the world's most faithful people (whether you are faithful back or not) and an overall amazingly lovely fellow to be around.

He is, in fact, all of these things and more... much, much more. I am grateful to be able to sit here and recollect all the quiet and gentle ways that he loves this wife of his who is often the complete opposite of all those lovely, gentle attributes of his.

However, often the gentle, quite ways of Tim have turned to brooding, moodiness, cycles of feeling "OK" and cycles of really not feeling anything at all... cycles of disliking himself and feeling he will never be good enough. Cycles of not understanding himself and the world around him, which often leaves his wife feeling dazed and confused about how to help this lovely 'baer' see light & joy & hope.

It has been incredibly tough at times to see for myself that there is light & joy & hope left to grasp onto... especially in light of other work-related, or life-related stresses...

Needless to say. Finally. Finally. After almost a year of begging, of tears and of sorrow and confusion, Tim has finally been diagnosed with clinical depression.

I know it's crazy to say it, but I give much Praise that there is finally a reason for the cycles... that Tim is able to finally see for himself that it's not just him not being able to fix himself... that I do not feel like such a failure for not being able to cheer him up.

We are excited. To see where this diagnosis and proper medication and counselling can take Tim... can take me... can take US. I love this boy!

Pray for us:

- That the transition to diagnosis & medication & counselling will be as smooth as possible.
- That Tim can start to feel success in mastering his moods.
- That I can be patient while waiting to see results.
-That finances will be OK as I have quit my jobs and am just attending school 8 -2 and then structuring our home to make Tim a safe, secure and comfortable nest in which to be restored.
- That we can truly live HOPE, JOY, and LIGHT to the fullest.

Saturday Mornings

Here I sit on this Saturday morning...

I am excited to go out jean shopping with Erica.

I was excited to wake up with Tim. (Didn't happen because he had to leave to help friends move).

I am excited that I have only one week of miserable work left.

I am excited to see what happens after I am finished, with no job, attending school, with only one of us working, and me trying to start up my catering stuff, and where jobs will come from.

I am intrigued because although I am excited (kinda a new thing for me this dismal, gross summer) I am still filled with feelings of being hopelessly lost in a sea of losing myself once again.

The other night I went to this Chef's Association meeting. VERY COOL. As I sat in this room & listened to all the opportunities that could arise out of this year and these meetings for me (THINK: Junior Chef competitions where the winner would go on to represent Saskatchewan at the Westerns, and then that winner would go on to represent Canada!) I got goose bumps because I am doing something that I totally love & have wanted for so long.

As I sampled cheeses and watched the carving demonstration, I sort of felt like I was in an alternate universe... lovely.

There have been many, many, many, many days in the last 10 months where I have wanted to pack up my things and flee far, far, far away. I have felt uber-trapped up, like I can't say any of it or express any of it. And sometimes, the weight of all that makes me uber-bitter.

Someone asked me not too long ago where I was at with "MISSIONS"... and I honestly feel like I don't know. I love my neighbours, I love my jobs and how they connect me with new people who I can love not simply for the conversion of their souls, but as REAL PEOPLE. Imagine that. I would say in that last chunk of time I've been to church maybe a half dozen times. I am tired of feeling foreign in the one place that should feel like home. I'm tired of struggling to fit in... of getting the cool, worldly, we-know-it-all's to acknowledge me and perhaps say hello...

I'm in a place where I know I should cast my burdens and hurts on the Rock... but where I feel so tired of making the effort I just don't do it.

There is so much more that has happened in these last 10 months... so much more I could say... so much more I am processing... but I feel shut-up, paralyzed by responsibility and unable to go there. And so, I shall cook. I shall master the basic techniques and find solace in the kitchen... over a pot of boiling, or simmering, or poaching goodness... and I will do my best.

Found this on someone's blog a little bit ago... made me recognize the longing in my heart to be OK again and to be able to trust again.

Are you tired?

Worn out?

Burned out on religion?

Come to me.

Get away with me

and you'll recover your life.

I'll show you how to take a real rest.

Walk with me and work with me—

watch how I do it.

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.

I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.

Keep company with me

and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.

Matthew 11:28-30(The Message)

Food.

It is official. I LOVVVVVEEEE to cook. I thought I'd do a fun posty-mc-post about some of the food we've been cooking around these here parts. Just tonight (it's currently 11:58 and I made this about 40 minutes ago) I made an angel hair pasta with Parmigiano Regiano, Garlic, Diced Tomatoes & SHRIMP. MMMMMMMM! I'd had a dish at Olive Garden like this awhile ago and as I was wanting food after getting home from work, thought I'd give it a try...! IT WORKED SO GOOD! I am now satisfied, but have this restless feeling of feeling like I know this is what I want to do with my life. I LOVE when a dish comes together & is INCREDIBLE! I love having an idea of a flavour or a concept and seeing it, feeling it, tasting it, smelling it come together! OH MAN I AM SO STOKED RIGHT NOW!

(Did I mention my program at Kelsie starts in 1 1/2 month! AHHHHHHH)


The very top pic is Monsieur Lobster getting ready for one DELISH lobster risotto... this second shot is ze rice perculating away with freshly added stock...


All the utensils/STUFF that makes a risotto JUST SO DELICIOUS!
The finished product... this was the first time I had made it & it wasn't as creamy as I'd wanted... I have since readjusted & perfected my methods :)

Next up... for a group I was in, we (Dana & I) thought we should try and do a pasta making session. LET ME TELL YOU. I will NEVER buy store bought filled pasta again. EVER. Below is a photo of a Roasted Red Pepper & Ricotta Ravioli that we made. We also went on to make a spinach one, a 3 cheese blend & a mushroom medley. The Red Pepper one is BY FAR unbelievably my fave! All you need to top it is melted butter & some salt. The contrast of sweet & salty is TO DIE FOR!



Moving on to more recent food/eating/cooking adventures... with the coming of summer, and hence, fresh fruit... I have been induldging in THE BEST LUNCH EVER (actually I usually eat it for brekkie, lunch & supper to be honest....


YUMMY strawberries, Granny Smith Apples, Watermelon (my fave!), Cottage Cheese... and some corn nuts (hehe, a bit of a weird addition, but they give some crunch & salt to the meal).

Awhile back, I had put in a Privately Cooked Dinner for Two in a silent auction at a fundraiser for someone here in Saskatoon, a LOVELY couple bought it and so I prepared their special meal at a location in between me & them (the Koffee Korner!) The menu was: Mixed Greens w/ Raspberry Vinaigrette, Hors d'ouvres, Lobster Risotto, Sirloin w/ Trio of Mushrooms in a Creamy Balsamic Reduction with Creamed Potatoes, Chevre Cheese & Candied Pecans and for desert, Brandied Bananas over Vanilla Bean Ice Cream. Two or three weeks ago came the big cook...

The Hor D'Ouvres (a study in sweet vs. savoury - cracker w/ goat cheese & grilled chorizo vs. cracker w/ goat cheese & plum compote (plum reduction, fresh plums, sugar, water, cinnamon... mmmmmmm). They were DELISH!

Main course... forgive the cut marks on the sirloin... this was Amy (my faithful helper) & I's portion that we (I) ANXIOUSLY tested to make sure it was OK to serve... I LOVED the tension of getting to cook for people... it was SO intensely wonderful!

Then just this last Saturday it was rainy out... which I could post a great deal about. I LOVE how the Creator is caring for our earth with this moisture... seeing my garden & all the grass & trees GREEN up and GROW is SOOO REFRESHING! He is caring for His Creation & it's delightful! And I felt like pancakes... I've been wanting to try a recipe out for awhile, so I did:

Banana Oatmeal pancakes. Now. I have to say, I am not a baker, nor really a cook of anything involving flour & batters. It's weird, I know. So I wasn't impressed with the turnout. And I SUPER wasn't impressed that we didn't have PLAIN yogurt in the house so I had to use strawberry. NOT the same turnout. However, Tim liked them when he stopped in to try them... so success????

Lastly. Just tonight I got home from work & was hungry... normally I get gross fast food or something really quick to eat on the way home because it's late & we have no quick food in the house. WELL. Tonight I wanted food and I had a craving for shrimp... so I was reminded of this dish I had at Olive Garden awhile back... and I thought to meself, that can't take long to make or be very difficult... so I tried it:


Here it is. Angel Hair Pasta with a creamy garlic/Parmigianno-Regianno sauce, diced tomatoes & garlic shrimp. DELICIOUS. UNREALLLY GOOOOOD. And you know, it took me 10 minutes to make this... from thawing the shrimp to eating it. Seriously.

So for now friends, keep fit... have fun, enjoy your food & the aromas that come from the cooktop... and as my friend Gordon Ramsay says: TASTE IT!

***PS: Many, many, many thanks to my friend Denita Dyck for encouraging and teaching so much of these food creations!

The Land called Disney... Part Uno.

Well... to start our journey off, we decided to fly out on Westjet (where, unfortunately... Carly was NOT our flight attendant... although we sure hoping for a fun surprise of getting to see her, we were sadly let down). I worked the night before until 2 am and we had to be at the airport at 4:30am.... needless to say, I didn't bother with sleeping & just packed & got ready before leaving.


The weather was HORRIBLE as we were leaving... this is a plane in Calgary (our one stop) getting de-iced. DE ICED people... we left on JUNE 6th!!!!


But you know... we didn't mind that the weather in Calgary wasn't so nice... because let me tell ya: the weather in California was stunning!!!


Houston, we have arrived... oh yes, oh yes...


DISNEYLAND!!!!!


Our very first ride was this one: where we were SURE the sign was exaggerating just a LITTLE bit right???



WRONG. SOOOOOO very, very wrong of us to even consider. This is Tim's head. I literally could RING THE WATER out of my WHITE SHIRT! Hahaha... so funny!


Next to this particular ride, we ran into a delightful churro stand! My heart was quite content, my hips... not so much, as I proceeded to eat many, many of these over the next 3 days. :)


California Adventures was one of our next stops across the way from Disneyland... we had a sweet park hopper pass where we could go back & forth between the two parks. Very cool.


We stopped in at Ariel's Grotto where Tim was delighted to see that there were indeed Gadgets & Gizmos aplenty! (Actually, we couldn't 'stop stop' in, cuz it's not open yet... but ohhhh we could dream. Yes we could).


And for now... that's all folks... but fear not, many many many pictures & stories to come!

How to Plant a Flower Bed 101.

Step One: Buy some really pretty flowers. (Whilst trying desperately to not look like you have no clue what you are doing while walking through the greenhouse.)

Step Two: Buy a RAD watering can.

Step Three: Buy some GORGEOUSLY GREEN GLOVES to protect your tender fingers from harsh weeds & pine needles trapped in flower bed.

Step Four: Model said gloves.

Step Five: Look at basket of Miracle Gro and wonder what on earth you have gotten yourself into.

Step Six: Stop to admire husband raking & mowing the lawn :)


Step Seven: Lay out plants in desired pattern.


Step Eight: Mix solution of Miracle Gro & water to help "ease the shock of transplantation" (says woman at greenhouse).


Step Nine: Show off new gardening tools like a cavewoman.


Step Ten: Step back from finished handiwork & ponder whether more flowers are needed? Truly... it looks rather barren, but alas. Enough moolah has gone into beautifying the one flower bed for this year. Stay tuned for "How to Plant a Flower Bed 201" Spring, 2010.



Step Eleven: Go to Dairy Queen with studly, manly, strong-like-bull-who-just-mowed-the-lawn husband and enjoy Blizzards!

Much Peace all... we're off to the Happiest Place on Earth!

Hilarious.

Hilarious I am. Why, you ask? Well... because since my newfound "freedom" I have become an incessant stalker. That's right. If I read your blog, checked your facebook, or searched my friends names on the Internet before... I do it tenfold nowadays. And often, it is a conscious reminder to myself of how I need to update this fine blog of mine!

First off... this is what I look like today as I post this:

We've been QUITE busy around here the last bit... April saw Bethany wrap up, and with that comes all the year end events. These are a few pictures from my last ever Bethany grad banquet (can you believe I was there for 8 of them... please DO NOT feel the need to comment with some over-used, really tired "lifer" comment):




Then I got a new job FAR sooner than I had thought I would... (the plan was to take TWO FULL WEEKS to rest, recuperate, etc... but a job came sooner than I thought, and I decided perhaps I needed a physically stimulating challenge to get me started) and thereby we have enjoyed a few fruits of the new labour. This, is a Tuscan Pizza... SO good. Spinach, spicy chicken, feta, sun-dried tomatoes, etc:


And now... we have moved on to renovating both our bathroom & our backyard. The backyard started off really icky. 3 DEAD apple trees, which pooped out gross decorative apples which when rotting on the ground smell like we've got a moonshine operation going in the back shed, sick grass which is ILL, a HUGEEEEE lilac bush in the MIDDLE of what could be a massive, open space, etc. SO. Down came the old trees... up go a few new fruit trees, down came the lilac bush, soon the space is to become a fire pit, not too sure what we'll do with the grass situation yet... but here are a few pics for your enjoyment:

(The front pile just by the concrete is where the MASSIVE lilac bush USED to be!)

(What is left of the dead trees until my Timmer cuts them out... and hauls their dead carcasses awayyyy...)

(Artsy fartsy picture of the rotting apples in the grass.)

(One of my new trees with our house in the background & bathroom reno carnage by the back door).

(Thank-you for reading this post... says the neighbourhood garbage which constantly blows into our yard & gets caught in our sicko bush by the back fence that has probably never in its life been pruned.... yayyy :)

Good & OK.

Good. Indeed. Or perhaps... OK.

If I could use on word to describe how I am, it would be a cross between "good" and "OK".

I am good, because there isn't much to complain (and I'm good because I realized today that I want to stop being such a whiner/complainer!) about right now - I am good, because I had a positive evening at work tonight. I am good, because I am happy with the feelings I have of freedom and newness. I am good, because I need to believe that about myself in general.

I am OK, because there is a sense in me that there is "better" yet to come. I am OK, because I feel like I am starting to open my heart up again. I am OK, because I feel like opening some new doors will be alright. I am OK, because I am.

Tonight was my first night of being semi-in-charge-of-myself at work. The training thus far has been "good", but I (as a general rule) HATE TRAINING! Set me free & let me make my mistakes... that's how I like it. At the same time, I understand there is a franchise to run & I need to uphold the standards of that franchise. Anyhoo - the freedom to not have to feel so restricted was nice.

I have started to read the book Open the Door - A Journey to the True Self by Joyce Rupp (who is seriously a beautiful author)... am totally stoked to get more into it.


Now I will go nurse my sore, swollen, painful feet (switching from a desk job to a run around and sweat for 6-8 hours a day is QUITE the change!)... and spend some time with my neglected husband. Much peace to you all!